i want to feel alive
by GetTraught
Summary: For a while, Olivia's biggest issue was trying to get her friend to see her as something more than the little sister of his friend. That is until a life-altering accident turns her whole world on its head, leaving her to deal with difficult circumstances, over-bearing parents and a loneliness that is all-consuming. CURRENT ZACH/OC


**One.**

Hey there, this is mainly an intro chapter just to get things going. I've wanted to write this for a while and now seemed like the perfect time.

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own 13RW (but you knew that).

* * *

It had all happened so fast.

There was a flash of light.

Then a scream.

Followed by her body being shoved against the door.

And then darkness.

.

Olivia's eyes shot open with a breathless gasp as a hand shot to her chest where it rose and fell rapidly in an attempt to fill her lungs.

She sat upright, noting her other hand bundled up in the covers in a tight fist. She didn't need to check her head to feel the sweat. It was all too normal for her nowadays.

At the sound of a knock on the door, she jumped.

"Liv, honey?" Came the voice of her mother. Realising this, her shoulder's deflated with a sigh. "You up yet?"

"Yea-" she cleared her throat to rid the shakiness. "Yeah, mom!"

"Okay, well your father's already left for work but there's some breakfast downstairs!"

"Okay, thank you!" Said Olivia, waiting until she heard her mother's footsteps trail down the hall.

She bit down on her cheek and dropped her head into her hands. After a moment, she opened her eyes and tore off the covers.

Peering to the right of her, her eyes lingered sadly on a framed photograph and felt a thick ball form in her throat. Her throat clenched as she tore her eyes away and got ready to take a shower.

/

Stepping out of the shower, Olivia grabbed her nearby towel and wrapped it around her body. The bathroom was a cloud of steam as her skin practically oozed it. Blistering hot was about the only temperature she could tolerate nowadays.

Moving to the mirror, she wiped a hand over it clear the mist and reveal her face. Her jaw clenched at the sight of herself, finding it almost unrecognizable. Her eyes dropped to the towel around her body and slowly unraveled it, letting it fall at her feet.

She began getting dressed, almost methodically.

She put her arms through the holes in her shirt and pulled it on, pausing when she caught sight of the pale scar crossing her stomach. A knot formed in her brow as she gently brushed the pad of her index finger along it.

Suddenly it felt as if a weight was pressing down on her chest, making it hard to breathe. She wasn't sure how long she stood there with her eyes clenched shut until she regained control.

Wasting no more time, she finished dressing and headed downstairs where her mother was sat at the table sipping on her usual coffee as she browsed through emails on her laptop.

At the sound of her daughter's footsteps, she looked up and smiled.

"Morning, sweetie," she greeted, watching as Olivia sat across from her and begun buttering some toast. "How was your sleep?"

Olivia's hand paused for a split-second before shrugging lightly.

"Fine."

She kept her eyes on the toast, ignoring the way her mother closed her laptop and folded her hands on the table in an attempt to appear more aware of her daughter's emotions.

"Olivia…"

"It was fine... better than usual," said Olivia, glancing up at her worried mother.

"But they're still there," said her mother, disappointed.

"Kinda hard to forget."

It was silent for a few moments as Olivia ate her toast while mother awkwardly shuffled in her seat. She could see it eating at her; the need to keep berating her with questions but she also knew that doing so would just push her daughter further away.

"How's school been?" She asked instead. "I heard about what happened with that girl, Hannah Baker?" Her mother's face was flushed with worry.

Olivia nodded. They had all heard about that. At Liberty High news traveled fast.

"Did you know her?"

The teen nodded slowly, her toast suddenly dry. "Yeah, we talked a few times."

"It's such a shame what happened. That poor girl. To do something like that…" her mother's voice trailed off as Olivia finished the last of her toast.

"Yeah, well Hannah always was a magnet for trouble," she said, standing and grabbing her bag. "I gotta get going. I'll see you after school."

Her mother's spine straightened, also rising from her seat. "Oh, okay." She paused before stepping forward to embrace her daughter.

Olivia stiffened in her mother's arms but said nothing as she kissed the side of her head.

"Be safe," she whispered before stepping away.

The words were like a knife in her chest and she felt a watery sheen coat her eyes. Nodding, Olivia lifted the strap of her bag onto her shoulder and headed for the door.

/

Walking into school, Olivia couldn't believe how much things had changed in only a few weeks. Where there had once been drunk-driving awareness posters were now ones about suicide hotlines and outreach facilities. Hannah Baker's suicide had taken the whole school by surprise- though, Olivia didn't know why given how much drama she had managed to attract during Sophomore year.

Now, even a week on and people were putting up heartfelt notes on her locker and lighting candles for her.

It was almost laughable.

As she moved down the halls, she took note of the solemn students strolling past with their heads down and their books clutched tight to their chest. A few of them noticed her and stared a little too long for her liking. It seemed that after this whole Hannah Baker thing, she was back on the list of things to talk about or at least stare at.

Rolling her eyes, she picked up the pace and walked into her first class.

She didn't waste time taking the seat closer to the back of the class. It was slightly separated from the others and her newest choice. Only a couple of students were there when she entered and paid her no mind much to her enjoyment.

First bell rang out as students slowly trickled into class along with the teacher. She paid no attention to any of it and instead continued scribbling in the margin of her book.

The class began just as every other class had for the past week; with a short, compulsory talk about mental health and being aware of each other and how important it was to confide in a close friend. After the second one, Olivia had just learned to tune it out.

Throughout her teacher's speech, she got the impression that someone was watching her and glanced up only to lock eyes with Zach Dempsey on the other side of the room.

When he didn't look away, she frowned and narrowed her eyes. In the background, the teacher droned on about opening up to someone close.

The irony wasn't lost on either of them.

Silently scoffing, she tore her eyes away from his and focused back on her small scribbles.

/

Olivia stared down at the food on her tray, not feeling at all hungry. Instead, she moved it around with a plastic fork as someone stepped into her peripheral vision.

"Hey," said a familiar voice.

Glancing up, Olivia frowned at the sight of Zach standing there with his tray.

"Are you lost?" She asked, eyes narrowing at him as he took the seat across from her.

Shaking his head, Zach picked up his fork and began eating.

"No," he answered plainly.

Olivia watched him, bewildered at why he was even talking to her.

"Why are you sitting here then?"

Not seeing what the big deal was, Zach shrugged. "It's not like I've never sat with you before. We used to do it all the time, you know, before." His voice trailed off causing Olivia to look down.

"We haven't talked all summer," she said. "Suddenly you wanna start now?"

He tilted his head. "That's not entirely true."

Another moment passed where he carried on eating, causing Olivia to sigh in exasperation.

"What do you want, Zach? Seriously."

His eyes flicked around nervously, almost unsure of it himself.

"I just wanted to see how you were doing," he shrugged.

"You could've done that from over there," said Olivia, nodding her chin to his usual table where the rest of the jocks would sit.

Zach sighed and leaned his head forward.

"I wanted to ask how you were," he rephrased.

"Because that worked so well for you the last time," scoffed Olivia, instantly biting her tongue.

Zach, realizing what she was referring to, dropped his gaze to his half-eaten food as Olivia mentally kicked herself. She knew it was a low-blow bringing up the infamous cafeteria interaction with Hannah. They had all witnessed him getting rejected and she knew it had affected him more than she thought it would

Awkwardly, she pressed her lips together.

"Sorry."

Zach said nothing and instead gestured to her untouched tray.

"You're not gonna eat?"

Looking at it, she grimaced and pushed it forward. "Not hungry."

He wasted no time reaching for her sandwich, the action igniting a sharp reminder of when he would often do the same last year. Her mood soured at the thought as she focused her attention on the rest of the cafeteria.

Across the table, Zach observed her carefully, noting how her eyes suddenly saddened. He turned to look over his shoulder at where Sherri was walking to a table on the other side of the room.

Glancing back at Olivia, he cleared his throat.

"You two not talking?"

His question seemed to knock her out of whatever she was thinking as she registered his presence and shrugged.

"Not really," she said, poking at her food. "Seems to be a recurring thing in my life."

Zach's eyes dropped guiltily to which she rolled her eyes at.

"I'm sorry," he said suddenly.

Olivia quirked a brow. "About what? It's not it's your fault."

"I know that but-" He cut himself off and gulped. "Look, I know I haven't been the bestest friend lately but-"

"Please do not say that if want to talk I can go to you," she interrupted, her voice dry.

Zach sighed and dropped his fork. "I'm just putting the offer out there." He observed her carefully as he said his next words. "We all miss him too, you know?"

Olivia's head whipped up sharply and Zach noted how tightly clenched her jaw was. Her grip on her fork tightened as she tried to fight off the tears pricking at her eyes.

Now he felt like _he_ had gone too far.

"Well," began Olivia quietly, dropping her fork. "Consider this me declining your offer."

She stood abruptly, grabbing her bag and rushing out of the cafeteria leaving Zach to just watch her go.

She kept her head down as she walked through the hall until she came to the bathroom door. Pushing her way inside, she hurried into a cubicle and locked it shut behind her just as she felt a wave of tears shake her body.

Covering her mouth, she tried to muffle the sound of her sobs. Her knees buckled as her free hand guided her down onto the closed toilet seat while the tears rolled down her face.

Her eyes clenched shut, sending her back in time just as it did each time she closed them.

/

The alcohol in her belly left her skin warm and her cheeks flushed as she stuck her head out of the window. Her eyes drifted shut and a serene smile graced her face as the breeze washed over her. A light giggle bubbled up her throat as she succumbed to the buzz of the alcohol.

"Hey, would you get back in here?" Said a voice beside her, despite his own amusement.

Sighing, Olivia conceded and rested her head against the headrest while her eyes followed the yellow street lights as they passed by.

"I have to deliver you to mom and dad in one piece, you know," he joked watching her roll her eyes lazily and lean forward to tamper with the radio.

"Like they haven't seen you stumble home drunk before," she said as she switched on some more upbeat music.

Beside her, her brother chuckled and glanced at her. "Yeah, well I'm supposed to be the responsible older brother so that means sneaking you into the house without them noticing."

Olivia grinned and leaned towards him, holding a finger over her mouth.

"I'll be as quiet as a mouse," she promised before erupting into a fit of laughter.

"Yeah, alright." Her brother nodded, reaching out to switch the station.

"Hey! I was listening to that!" She said, changing it back.

"Well, I wasn't so," the knob turned to his preferred station.

"Well, I don't care so."

Olivia grinned at the annoyance on her brother's face as her music played through the speakers. He gave her an unimpressed look as she cranked up the volume and began singing along to the pop song.

"Come on!" She goaded, shoving his shoulder.

"Hey! Watch it, I'm driving here."

Olivia scoffed and collapsed in her seat. Her arm raised and began swaying back and forth with the music as her singing increased in volume and her words became more slurred.

Beside her, her brother swatted her hand away and pushed it down onto her knee, keeping it there so that he could focus on the road.

Olivia stuck her bottom lip out as he turned the music back down and put both hands on the steering wheel.

"You're no fun."

"Yup, that's me mister party-pooper," he said turning his head to grin at her as they came up to the intersection.

Poking her tongue out, her brother mimicked it as a halo of light beamed into the car.

In that fraction of a second, her blood ran cold and her eyes widened at the realization of what it was.

"Jeff, look out!"

* * *

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Boy-o-boy, season 2 just made this story a hell of a lot more interesting!

Reviews are always appreciated xx


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